Wednesday, August 24th, 2005
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10:15 pm - back
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how things change
back in school for the first time in 17 yrs... happy...
in charge of myself and happy about it... figured out what i want to do with myself and no longer afraid to try for it
have not had sex in one year (i know many of my *friends* don't think it's true or understand it) but it's 1000% true... decided i didn't want to share my body with anyone i don't feel *anything* for... and it has been one year the first week of sept... happy
like myself... with or without wine! lol
seems that life really is an ongoing change. one that i have friends, and no drama in for the first time in years... all is well...
current mood:  calm
current music: india arie
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Wednesday, October 27th, 2004
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11:19 am - toast with ginger marmalade
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and pain killers... interesting breaky lol
i am doing ok... still tender... and house bound but today i think i am going to take a small outing just to get some air... the market is a block away... maybe i'll go get a treat...
i could also use an adjustment... my back is feeling out... and i can't drive at all... possibly i will hitch in with my sis
off to lay down... oohh the excitment!
current mood:  uncomfortable
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Wednesday, October 20th, 2004
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1:10 am - the operation
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so i have been sick this past year... almost all of it... and finally the dr's are going to do something about it... but it means on monday i get operated on... i am not too fond of being cut open and the fact that they do it as *day surgery* does not comfort me... all of the research i have done online says it's a 3-5 day hospital stay... but because of the crisis in our system nothing rates an over night anymore... i don't much want to say the full nature of the surgery but suffice to say all of the info i have collected from major hospitals all over the world say it takes 3-5 weeks to feel like doing anything and 4- ??? months to fully heal... i am not supposed to sit but also not to stand for very long... i shall be quite bored and flat on my back... i have gathered some good books but i know i'll only be able to read for so long before going kooo kooo... i am not allowed to drive so i hope some friends will stop in now and then so as i don't go stir crazy locked down here in house arrest... i am wishing i had cable or some such thing but... bah... the info i gathered has me scared and not really wanting to get this fixed... though i have been suffering for over a year... but leaving it untreated is a cancer risk after awhile... i am trying to think of everything i will need for a few weeks so as to not have to bug my friends to gather for me... another thing is i am not supposed to be alone after the surgery but... well i live alone... and my sis will be picking me up but since she has my pretty lil neice she can't stay all night... all of my friends have kids and can't come here... i have been offered to go to one persons house but i do not want to be stuck on someone elses couch with kids running around while i am trying to be a good house guest... and needing my dressings changed... nope i guess i'll have to fend for myself as i always do... sigh... possibly the only time in ages i wish i had a *partner* to lend me a pair of hands and a sleep over... sigh
off to be scared... cause it just doesn't sound good
current mood:  scared
current music: sade
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Monday, September 27th, 2004
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12:35 am - a great day
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today i spent with my neice... we walked and sang... ate ice cream and snuggled... bought her a fancy new outfit... and just all in all had a great day... i spent 7 hrs with her and it felt like minutes... after i dropped her off to mommy i felt so peaceful and clam... she really changes me... as cliche as that sounds...
i then ventured to chapters and had a latte... wandered around looking at books... and came home to finish reading the book i started only yesterday... with a glass or two of good wine... i baked eggs for dinner and just really LOVED my day... it has been awhile since i really felt this kind of joy... and now i am going to go revel some more
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Sunday, September 12th, 2004
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3:00 am - long day
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just got home from work...
know it's late so it's technically the 12th but happy b-day sam hope your party went well...
it is the dreaded frosh week and i tell yah... wow was it crazy at work tonight... i am numb... and if one more student asks to wash my car i may run them over with it!
off to sleeeeeeep zzzzzzzz
current mood: tired
current music: tenacious D
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Wednesday, September 1st, 2004
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9:48 am - the ZOO
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i am getting ready to take my neice to the zoo for the first time in her life... she's 2 1/2 and she asked me about monkeys last week... so aunty kerri has insisited she see one... luckily the weather looks good... my sis and i are taking her to the toronto zoo!! i can just imagine the look of wonder on her little face when she sees monkeys and tigers and elephants! possibly i am more excited by all this than she is :)
well off to pack a small picnic!
current mood:  excited
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Sunday, August 29th, 2004
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5:52 pm - a lazy sunday afternoon
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not so fond of the rain... but better than what comes next in our weather...
today i woke up fairly early concidering i went to bed at 430am... did some shopping... well actually i went to buy a sweater i saw last week... and ended up with two sweaters two skirts and some soy milk... only the soy milk was actaully needed... but the sweater i intended to buy was still there and luckily the last one in my size (damned boobs) it is bitter sweet to be buying and WEARING sweaters in august but... sigh
for this eve? well... possibly baking something yummy and banana-ish... i think i am on my own tonight as everyone is all familied up today... so maybe a sex and the city marathon... and some wine... baked cat fish... and finishing off the last few pages of a good book...
current mood: lazy
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Sunday, August 1st, 2004
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2:54 am - ohh babeee
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just want to know what makes me drink more than i should on those RARE occasions... when you wake up and think... what did i do??? what did i say??? where is my car??? and THANK GOD it isn't here!!! i woke up with the phone next to me... and redial said it wasn't a very well thought out drunken dial.. sigh... i haven't been like that for a long while... but i went to the opening of the vaul in waterloo it started with free drinks... and all went giddy from there... i found my car in waterloo... cooked a veggie burg with avacodo as a drunken *snack* atleast i was trying to be healthy after 15 or so drinks... guess we all get a little CRAZY now and then... but i woke feeling fine amazing!!! no hang over... not even dry mouth... just that no so good call at 3am... which i choose to ignore... until i am told i have to deal with it... lol... possibly we all get one drunken dial??? hrmmmm
today... later as in 10 am i am going to grand bend for the day! a little time on the beach with friends is all good... then possibly to my work after... they are having an outdoor foam party and as silly as it sounds it is usually fun
ta ta for now...
current mood:  bitchy
current music: shhhhh
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Thursday, July 15th, 2004
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10:00 pm - i wonder
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i wonder if i am ready for this place again...
i woner if i can really say what i feel and not try to be more *jovial* because someone may read it...
i wonder if i remember how to be honest extrovertedly...
i guess what i am trying to say is i wonder if i remember why it is i used to love to journal...
what's happening for me... well i have compacted my life down to myself... three cats... two good friends... a few friends... and yoga... i am uncertain that i even want a significant other or even an other... i don't miss sex or even care on the very odd occasion i convinced myself i wanted it... i just have to say... it's all good but really in the end who the h#ll cares... i don't know as i am even looking to fill what others think is a void in my life... after all the crud i think i am better being by myself... i can't think of one relationship between my friends and their *others* i would even care to aspire to... most of them are as odd as all of mine have been... and i think the happiest i have been is being all by myself... waking up with the whole bed... no smelly man in my bed... though i get no kisses... i can do without... i steal hugs from friends... somehow i really feel better in my own skin than i ever have... if hacking away at all the external crud is how i got here oh well so be it...
i played *hookey* today... well not actually i chose not to work and let someone else take my shift (rain day)... i made homeade icecream... and my own singapore noodles... watched cold mountian and am reading a good book... nice to have a day where no one or nothing gets in the way...
hope everyone is well... i may come again soon... or may not...
be well...
| How to make a unity |
Ingredients:
3 parts success
1 part silliness
5 parts ego |
Method:
Layer ingredients in a shot glass. Add a little cocktail umbrella and a dash of emotion |
current mood: mellow
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Sunday, February 22nd, 2004
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3:41 am - hello
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decided to stop on in and say hi...
i am older... thanks to all who noticed and mailed me...
i am older... sigh
i love yoga...
i don't love white food... but it's hard to eat out and avoid the stuff
i love ME... and that has taken alot of solitude to figure out
be well
current mood:  awake
current music: 50 cent
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Sunday, January 18th, 2004
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11:31 am - sunday afternoon
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but no time to relax... it's all going to be a blur... have a friend picking me up for a quick mall trip... then stopping to see my sis's x for a minute... then to take my car to the dr's and leave it possibly until tuesday... then A FREAKIN STAFF MEETING ON MY DAY OFF... the a silly staff party i DO NOT feel like attending... hopefully i will still be hooking up with becks later this eve... and that winds me back home for sleep... after watching the late run of sex and the city on hbo... only 6 episodes left *sniffle*...
who said sunday was for relaxing?? i could only wish...
well better go get ready for the day from hell...
current mood: cranky
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Wednesday, January 14th, 2004
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1:14 am - relax go to it...
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yah... i am feeling all hibernate like... i understand why bears do it... i never want to leave my house in this weather
i am contemplating training for a half marathon that is in early may... plenty of time and since i KNOW i can run 10 k from the races i ran last summer i know i can increase my distance... BUT... i don't enjoy running in the snow... it is dangerous and freakin cold... i would have to make the commitment in the next week... and YES i know there are indoor tracks BUT the reason i love to run is that i don't have to GO someplace to do it... just put on the gear and go... i know i'll find a million reasons why i can't take the extra 2 hrs to go across town to the track... when i could do all the running in an hour with no drive... sigh... i hate winter it screws with my activities...
just got home from work... and... i really hate scraping the car at 1am... yup... winter is crap
current mood:  contemplative
current music: NONE
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Thursday, January 8th, 2004
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1:44 am - YOGA
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i had my first yoga class tonight... i have always been interested but the few times i tried at home with a dvd i hurt my neck trying to watch the tv and do the poses... until you learn the correct posture it's all a little too strange... it was amazing... i actually felt giddy when i was done... infact i had a coffee with a fellow classmate and found myself talking and gittering like i had already had three extra large coffee... and i felt very relaxed all at once... though i realize how little balance i have on my left side... on my right leg i seem strong but when i stand on my left i need to hold the wall or i'll fall over... hopefully that will pass... i would like to have a yoga space at home to pratcice between classes but i don't have a wall with enough space except in my unheated porch... which doesn't seem apealing right now... brrrr... maybe i'll have to rearrange some stuff to create a space for it... though i have so much stuff and so little space... hmmmmm
i am all awake now... possibly from the coffee... or from the yoga... or both... maybe i'll go and read...
be well
current mood:  accomplished
current music: shhhhhh
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Thursday, January 1st, 2004
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3:04 pm - HAPPY 4
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don't want to start out this year with the wrong attitude... but it is kinda poopy so far... i ended up not working last night but standing around so long that i couldn't even begin to locate anyone before midnight... so i stood alone in a bar full of people i work with... the perfect *all dressed up and no place to go*... i went home at 12 10 am... and watched the sex and the city marathon on hbo... no real biggie
today... i was supposed to make a big dinner for my girlfriend... but she cancelled all pissy... i am assuming it is because i didn't work last night and we never managed to hook up... as if THAT was my fault... sigh
anyhow... i just made a great pot of tea... and am going to eat a homeade biscotti (yes i made it) i am not in a bad mood... just a little ticked cause i have a HUGE amount to fresh fish... and no dinner guest
on a GOOD note... today i got to open my new calendar... it's a shoe for everyday of the year... and it makes me smile
hope everyone else had a better night than i did
HAPPY 4
current mood: aggravated
current music: the *queer eye* theme
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Wednesday, December 31st, 2003
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12:23 pm - HELLO AGAIN
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hi everyone
i decided to get reconnected to the land of cyber... i really needed some time away to work on ME STUFF... and with a much clearer head i am back... to all those *real life friends* i will email you a current address for keeping in touch...
it is new years eve day... and i am feeling rather hopeful for the coming year... lord knows it can't be as awful as the last one... how i managed to come out the other side is beyond me... but... slightly worse for wear... i did
hope everyone is great out there and has a fab new years celebration... i am working which is just fine with me
peace
current mood:  hopeful
current music: shhh
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Friday, September 12th, 2003
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9:19 pm - alive
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Tuesday, July 15th, 2003
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2:14 pm - another tuesday
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didn't know what else to say... i have been slightly better in the big scheme of things mostly because i have kept all social activities to a minimum... i hope this isn't my new forever because i am turning into a house rat... i am not good with being a home body BUT with all the panic attacks the last few times i went out... it's for the best right now... i do things in the day time... enjoy the sun... and the rain... but at night i need not go where people of the opposite sex may try to talk to me...
some people keep saying i should just *get over it* well that seems easy huh?? if that was all there was to it... to just think that i should get over it... i would be over it... so thanks for the non advice... i'll just have to work through it until one day i don't almost pass out when a male person speaks to me... sure it will all go away... when it and I am ready... until then... atleast i have my shoes
i have been getting some house chores done... stuff i had been putting off because of social engagements...
i still wake up everyday thinking it would be nice if something bad happened to him... and i wait for the inevitable first bumping into... it's such a small town i am sure it has to happen sooner rather than later... i know there is going to be *someone* who thinks i am crazy because i am still mad... but that is what happens when someone wrongs you... you get mad... and stay that way until you are ready not to be... so keep it to yourself... it's not unhealthy to vent
sometimes i want to get rid of this journal... cause i have to be afraid to post in it... maybe i'll start my own page again... so i can say what i really want instead of not writing for days because it will make people think whatever...
current mood:  confused
current music: shhhhhh
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Monday, July 7th, 2003
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11:13 pm - shoes and vodka
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don't know which i like better... though too much vodka makes it hard to walk in my shoes...
anyhow... been working lots... and still feeling rather crazy... can't relate to anyone... not like i used to... i even pretended to be a tree so as not to have to finish a socail interaction... very f@^&ed up... but very true... hid behind a house pretending to be a tree after sneaking out of someone's house while they were in the bathroom... all very screwed up... but... i suppose i should just stop pretending i am going to be the same kind of *normal* i was before being dropped on my head so hard...
shhhh... crazy woman living here...
shoes... gawd i love em... bought a pair of DKNY shoes just yesterday... ahh atleast i have my shoes
current mood:  crazy
current music: zoom zoom
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Thursday, June 26th, 2003
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3:13 am - overworked... mad...
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worked a LONG day... 13 1/2 hrs... and got the treat of seeing D's other girlfriend at my bar... she came in and her friends were punking me off... wonderful... as if i need that crap at work... and she is STILL WITH HIM... stupid girl...
ahh.. i think i just need to sleep... but don't know if i can... and it was just starting to get easier...
current mood: angry
current music: alanis- you otta know <-- how CHEESY
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Tuesday, June 17th, 2003
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2:26 pm - girl stuff
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i am off to the dotors soon for some girl stuff... not much fun i say... i am having my iud removed and getting the depo shot instead... mostly because my periods have been hell and the doc says it's most likely from my iud... it is bitter sweet because the whole iud removal thing was a much talked about event between D and i ... we were going to go without birth control and *see what happened*... glad now that it didn't happen before i found out what a dirty pig he is... but sad because that is the closest to trying for a baby i have ever been... damn life can be cruel... anyhow...
going to go sit on my fire escape and read a little before the painful event... i don't have a yard or i would love to be in that reading... sigh... one of the bad parts of being downtown... i have no *outside*
hope everyone is well...
current mood: anxious
current music: shhhh i'm reading!
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unity's journal